Climbing Back in the Saddle

Broken Record

It’s amazing how time can just fly by in the blink of an eye. One minute I was discussing how I had my fingers crossed for a job opportunity to pan out for me, and that I’d keep you all in the loop as to when something happened. The next thing I know it’s June and I feel a slight churn in my stomach at the realization that I’ve let six months go by with nary a thing to show for it.

Case in point: I’m still unemployed. Oh, sure, I’ve had a couple of opportunities come my way that I had hoped would stem this streak of nothingness but unfortunately, for two vastly different reasons, neither opportunity panned out. Luckily, at the risk of putting a hex on the whole damn thing I can say that things may finally be primed for a turnaround – I’ve recently interviewed at a company that I hold in very high regard, and am currently awaiting their “yay” or “nay” verdict. If it’s a “yay” and you follow me on Twitter, you’ll most likely know about it immediately as I squeal like an overly enthusiastic child visiting Disneyland for the first time.

While the job hunt continues, I also find myself trying to climb back into the habit of writing. It is with no small amount of embarrassment that I admit to you here and now that, apart from cover letters and the occasional writing test, I’ve not written anything since mid-March. I allowed the pressures of the job hunt to get to me, and it crippled my creativity for a time. I felt that if I wasn’t writing a cover letter or sifting through LinkedIn for potential jobs, I was wasting my time, and as a result I let my various projects fall to the wayside. I hadn’t updated this blog since January, the draft of my novel hasn’t been touched since March, and I couldn’t honestly tell you the last time I sat down and wrote something for the hell of it.

I reckon it’s high time to knock that shit off. Don’t you?

The truth of the matter is that over the past few months I’ve been battling a wicked, razor-fanged she-beast known as self-doubt. As I continued to apply for jobs and then be systematically rejected, I started to ask myself if I was going down the right path, or if I had just been lucky. Maybe I’m not cut out for this, I began pondering to myself and to my very closest friends. Internally, I thought I had lost “it,” whatever the hell “it” actually is. In my efforts to try and recapture what it was that made me good enough for a company like BioWare, I pressed. I overthought and overanalyzed. What came of it was work that I am not particularly proud of, and did not help me progress.

At some point during all of this I had forgotten who I was, and why I love to do what I do. Instead of trusting in what I had been doing right over the past seven-plus years, I focused solely on the things that other people were telling me that I was doing wrong. In both my life and my writing, I was attempting to “fix” myself when nothing was actually broken, and as a result I lost sight of who I am and why I do what I do.

As a wise soul once put it, “ain’t nobody got time for that.”

It’s time to get back on the bike and start pedaling. I’ve already started working on projects again, and slowly but surely I feel like I’m finally getting my feet underneath me. Unfortunately it’s not been as easy as you would think. You see, when you go from writing every day to not writing for close to four months, it’s like going to the gym every day and then sitting on the couch eating Pringles for four months. When you start up again, you’re going to be rusty – until you find your rhythm. Once you’re back in that rhythm and back to your old habits, it’s as easy as breathing (no offense to my asthmatic readers).

In a continuing effort to keep my mind occupied, you’re going to be seeing more from me. Trust me, having not written for a while has left me with a lot to talk about, and a lot to rant about. I’ve thought about addressing some of it on Twitter but as we all know complex issues can rarely be summarized in 140 characters. I’m sure I’ll touch on that at some point soon, just like I hope to be touching on E3, my love of Hearthstone, my frustration with gaming news outlets, my feelings of complete and utter apathy for “AAA” titles not named Evolve, my thoughts on how games can “do story better,” and so on and so forth.

Don’t panic. I’ll also talk about stuff that’s not affiliated with video games. Hell, I may even write a few pieces of fiction to throw up on here.

And hopefully I’ll be juggling all of this while maintaining a new job!

So there you go. My apologies for the radio silence – I won’t let it happen again.